ACTION!
by JasperSAYSrelax128
Summary: Funny Takes...making fun of the Twilight MOVIE! HILARIOUS! Seriously....read if you want to laugh.
1. Take 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.

**Okay, I adore Twilight books….the movie sucked. LET'S EVALUATE!**

**NOT IN ORDER!**

**TAKE 15**

Bella: Hey....did you get contacts?

Edward: no....

Bella: Your eyes were black yesterday, now they're like…golden-brown—

Edward: GAH! It's called TOPAZ! NO ONE GETS IT FUCKING RIGHT!

**TAKE 64**

James: You brought a snack...

Edward: Don't you dare touch my damn Pop-Tarts you SON OF A BITCH!!

**TAKE 21**

Edward: I can read every mind in this room....apart from yours.

Bella: What, is there something wrong with me?

Edward: ....yes. You're eating fucking mushroom ravioli with a fucking vampire. There's something wrong with that picture.

**TAKE 44**

*Bella and Edward driving*

Bella: ok....I think I'm warm enough now.

*hands touch, Bella gasps*

Edward: oh shit....my dad's gonna kill me.

Bella: *looks ahead* Woa. What is going on?

Edward: That's my dad's car on the end....shit. He's here to kill me.

**TAKE 17**

Bella: You're impossibly fast….and strong.

Edward: that's because I work out every day.

Bella: Your skin is pale white and ice cold.

Edward: yea, I use this make-up I found at Hot Topic....

Bella: Your eyes change color.

Edward: yea, it's these sweet colorful contacts I got...

Bella: and sometimes you speak...like you're from a different time.

Edward: what, because I don't say words like "Yo" and "Foshizzle"?

Bella: You never eat or drink anything...

Edward: Yea...how else am I going to fit into my skinny jeans?

Bella: You don't go out in the sunlight...

Edward: yea....it burns.

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: ......19.

Bella: How long have you BEEN 17?

Edward: .....I said 19.....

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it.

Bella: no.

Edward: Outloud.

Bella: no.

Edward: SAY IT!

Bella: ....no.

EDWARD: I SAID FUCKING SAY IT!

**TAKE 98**

*dragging Bella through the forest*

Bella: Where are we going?

Edward: To my lair.

**TAKE 72**

Jacob: Hi...I'm Jacob.

Bella: hi.

Jacob: Yea....we used to make mud pies when we were little.

Bella: Yea....I used throw them in your face.

**TAKE 108**

Bella: ....are they always like this?

Jacob: ....it's getting worse with old age. Soon they'll be hitting each other with their canes.

**TAKE 24**

*gets car*

Bella: This is PERFECT! *opens car door and hits Jacob*

Jacob: WHA THE FUCK! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HITTING ME!

**MORE TO COME! REVIEW!**


	2. Take 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.

Chapter 2: Take 2

**TAKE 13**

*Bella parks truck at high school*

Tyler: Nice ride.

Bella: Thanks....I got it at the dollar store.

**TAKE 86**

Eric: Hey, you're Isabella Swan, the new girl. Hey, I'm Eric…the eyes and ears of this place. Anything you need....? Tour guide...lunch date....shoulder to cry on....

Bella: ....For you to leave me the hell alone....

**TAKE 79**

*Mike gets hit with volleyball*

Mike: WOA!

Bella: I'm sorry....I told them NOT to let me play...last time when I hit this guy in the head and he stopped breathing....it was kind of strange....

**TAKE 125**

Jessica: Oh my God...it's like first grade all over again...you're the shiny new toy....I'm just gonna...you know, sit here...next to you...so people can like me....

Bella: could you please, you know, not sit so close? I don't want gonorrhea.

**TAKE 33**

Bella: who's he?

*Edward walks in*

Jessica: that's Edw—

*Edward trips and falls*

**TAKE 99**

*Bella walks into room*

Mr. Banner: Oh, Ms. Sw—

*Bella trips and falls on fan*

**TAKE 45**

*Bella, Alice, and Jasper in hotel room, phone rings*

Bella: Hey Edward.

Edward: *deep breathing*....7 days.....

**TAKE 38**

Waylon: hey, you're Bella. You remember me? I played Santa, one year....

Charlie: Waylon, she hasn't had a Christmas year since she was 4...

Waylon: I bet I made an impression though…

Bella: Yea, I remember...that was that one time I ran out of the mall screaming.

**TAKE 65**

*Tyler's car coming at Bella*

Director: Okay Bella, hurry and get out of the way so we can use the special effects!

Bella: *tries to move but can't* OH MY GOD SOMEONE GLUED MY FEET TO THE GROUND!!

Edward: *snickers*

Director: STOP THE CAR!

Bella: *car still coming at her* THESE WERE MY FAVORITE SHOES!!

BOOM!

Edward: .....does this mean I can go home?

**TAKE 12**

*in parking lot*

Tyler: hey! Look! It's Bella!

Mike: *snickers* maybe if we throw licorice at her she'll talk to us!

*Tyler takes piece of licorice and throws it…it lands a foot away from him on the ground*

Mike: nice.

**TAKE 77**

Eric: ....I know prom committee is a chick thing....but they couldn't find any other loser to do it, so...

**TAKE 22**

Mr. Banner: So, onion root tip cells, that's what's in your microscopes....separate them into the phases of mitosis, and the first pair to get it right, wins the golden onion....

Bella: ....because they ran out of golden garlic.

**TAKE 99**

Bella: you were gone....

Edward: Yea, I was out of town for a couple of days....personal reasons....so I wouldn't eat you.

Bella: oh...cool.

**TAKE 2**

Edward: if you hate the cold and the rain so much, then why'd you move to the wettest place in the Continental US?

Bella: because I heard the sparkly vampires live here...

**TAKE 25**

*Edward stops Van, and looks into Bella's eyes*

Edward: You see that dent? Shit. My dad's going to kill me.

*Edward jumps over Bella's truck, but he trips and falls*

**TAKE 5**

*Car is stopped from crashing into Bella, everyone swarms around her*

Mike: BELLA! ARE YOU OKAY?!

Bella: yes.

Jessica: BELLA! BELLA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!

Bella: yes.

Random Girl: BELLA! BELLA! ARE YOU ALIVE?!

Bella: yes...

Angela: BELLA! BELLA! I HAVE 911 ON THE PHONE! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?!

Bella: yes!

Random Guy: Are you sure?

Bella: YES!

Mike: ARE YOU DEAD?!

Bella: NO!

Mike: I think she's dead...

Bella: NO! REALLY! I'M OKAY!

Mike: Oh, GOD! SHE'S DEAD!

Bella: NO, I'M OKAY! IT WAS JUST A HEAD INJURY! REALLY

Mike: SHE WAS SO YOUNG!

**TAKE 59**

*After accident, the Cullens glaring at Bella*

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

**TAKE 100**

Carlisle: Well, Bella, it looks like you took quite a spill....how do you feel?

Bella: I don't know…I mean, I THINK I saw your son use super speed to run over to me, and then he pushed the van out of the way with his hand…

Carlisle: YUP....SHE HAS A CONCUSSION...so, you know, if she thinks she sees things for a while....blame it on that. Yea.

**TAKE 16**

James: *holding video camera* And...action.

Bella: It's not working...

James: What do you mean? Of course it is!!

Bella: The red light isn't on!

James: *looks at camera* Huh.

**TAKE 17**

*James holding video camera where Bella is bleeding*

James: I'm so posting this on Youtube.

**TAKE 82**

*In green house*

Edward: Hey....PSSST! Hey, Mike! Over here!

Mike: yea?

Edward: You want a cup of compost tea?

Mike: HELL YEA! *grabs cup*

Mr. Banner: DON'T DRINK THAT!!

Edward: *snickers*

**TAKE 19**

*outside green house*

Alice: Hi! Are you going to be riding with us?

Edward: No our bus is full....

Bella: fine. I don't want to sit on ghetto bus anyways….that shade of yellow is overrated. THIS shade*points* is SO much better...

(By the way, EVERYTIME I watch this scene, I always look at Jasper's expression in the background. I think he's measuring Bella's emotions...)

**TAKE 2**

*in cafeteria*

Eric: and I don't just SURF the internet....

Jessica: Eric, you stood up once....and it was a foam board.

Eric: yea, but it was a PRETTY foam board...

Mike: Are you comin', Bella?

Eric: It's La Push, baby...La Push. La Push.

Bella: ....I should La Push you off a cliff....

**TAKE 3**

Edward: You have to see me in direct sunlight! *grabs Bella onto back and runs into sunny area*

Bella: You look sparkly!

Edward: I...look...sparkly.....That's all you can say? I'm a monster, Bella!

Bella: Wait a second....YOU STOLE MY GLITTERY POWDER DIDN'T YOU!!

**TAKE 6**

*In cafeteria*

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Edward: Ehh....I don't know....

Bella: Is there something wrong with that beach?

Edward: It's just a little crowded.

*At the completely deserted beach*

Bella: WHAT THE HELL! EDWARD TOLD ME IT WAS CROWDED!! .......something's suspicious....

**TAKE 8**

Jessica: You guys should keep Bella company...her date bailed...

Mike: DATE?!

Eric: WHAT DATE!?!

Jacob: DATE!?!

Mike: OH MY GOD! WHO IS IT?! I'LL KILL HIM! WAS IT TYLER?!...God, I knew that guy was no good...

Eric: OH MY GOD! I KNOW WHO IT WAS....ANTHONY! What a loser!

Mike: No...it has to have been Joe.

Eric: Wait, what about Daniel?

Mike: No....Oh, IT WAS...TYLER!

Eric: I thought we already cleared it wasn't Tyler...?

Mike: you never know!

*Meanwhile*

Bella: Edward Cullen.

*Back to Mike and Eric*

Mike: NO! I KNOW WHO IT WAS!

*Tyler walks up*

Eric: WHO?!

Mike: IT WAS....TYLER!

Tyler: *walks away*

(ok...that turned into pointless rambling....)

**TAKE 55**

*At Cullen House*

Edward: She already ate.

*Rosalie shatters bowl*

Bella: *whispers to Edward* Was she PMSing when she was changed?

**REVIEW! More to come!**


	3. Take 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Movie.**

Chapter 3: Take 3

**TAKE 1**

*At the Docks*

Laurent: James....let's not play with our food.

James: ......I thought that only applied to broccoli...

**TAKE 2**

*trying on dresses in Port Angeles*

Jessica: Okay, Bella...what do you think about this one?

Bella: Ummm...

Jessica: be HONEST...

Bella: ....well...

Jessica: I KNOWW! It looks great doesn't it?!

Bella: ...uhh...

Jessica: You're right, it does make my boobs look good!

Bella: ....err.....

Jessica: THANKS BELLA! YOUR'E THE BEST!

**TAKE 3**

Edward: *apple rolls up his foot and he cups it and smiles* Bella.

Bella: ...freak, you name your apples? *walks away*

**TAKE 4**

Edward: and so the lion fell in love with the lamb

Bella: are you calling yourself a lamb??

Edward: No! I'm the lion and YOU'RE the lamb!

Bella: but I want to be the lion....rawr...

Edward: WILL YOU SHUT UP BITCH AND LET ME BE ROMANTIC?!?!?

**TAKE 5**

*In cafeteria*

Edward: This food is disgusting!

*Edward throws chicken behind his back*

Mike: OW! SON OF A BITCH THREW CHICKEN AT ME!!

**TAKE 6**

Edward: I should go back there and rip those guy's heads off.

Bella: Uh, no, you shouldn't.

Edward: You don't know the vile...repulsive things they were thinking.

Bella: ....and you do?

Edward: ....yea. I happen to be a mind reading vampire. Duh.

Bella: .....stupid mind-reading jackass...

**TAKE 7**

*In forest*

*bird flies and hits Bella in the head, she passes out*

Edward: I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I'M A DANGER TO HER!....I'M RUNNING AWAY!

*Edward runs away North America*

**TAKE 8**

*Bella walks into Biology on first day*

Mr. Banner: Oh, Ms. Swan...

*Edward starts coughing*

Mr. Banner: Why don't you take that seat over there, by Mr. Cullen?

Edward: CAN'T....BREATH!

*Edward falls to the ground choking*

**TAKE 9**

-In Edward's bedroom-

*Bella turns on stereo*

"HE LOST HIS SOUL TO A WOMEN SO HEARTLESS...HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! OH....HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS!!"

Edward: ALICE!!!

**TAKE 10**

-Playing Baseball-

*Baseball flies through the air, Emmett jumps up tree*

Rosalie: My monk—

*Emmett falls out of tree*

Emmett: FUCK! WHO PUT THAT BRANCH THERE!?!

**REVIEW! Which one was your favorite of this chapter?**

**MORE TO COME**


	4. Take 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Movie.**

Chapter 4: Take 4 .....and.....ACTION!

**TAKE 1**

Edward: I think I should get Bella something to eat...if you'd like.

Bella: O.O

Edward: I'll drive you home myself....or I think I'll make you hitch-hike.

**TAKE 2**

*drunk guys gaining on Bella*

Bella: Don't touch me.

Guy: I'll touch you if I want! *pokes her*

Bella: Let me just warn you, I'm a drag queen.

Guys: *eyes widen*

Bella: *lowers voice* My name is Steve.

*Guys run away*

**TAKE 3**

Edward: Then ask me the most basic question....what do we eat?

Bella: ....squirrels!

**TAKE 4**

Edward: I'm a killer, Bella.

Bella: I don't believe that....you sparkle. ALL GOOD THINGS SPARKLE! Like stickers!

**TAKE 5**

Bella: I can't believe you're taking me to prom.

Edward: You were the only one without a date.

**TAKE 6**

Edward: Everything about me invites you in....my face, my voice, even my smell.

Bella: Yea....how else are you going to work in the strip club?

**TAKE 7**

-At Prom-

Bella: Bite me, Edward....

Edward: No, I'm not going to end your life for you.

*Bella shoves her hand in Edward's mouth*

Bella: HA! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NO—OW! IT HURTS! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

**TAKE 8**

Edward: You're like my own personal brand of heroine.

Bella: ....hey, do they make that? Because, you know, I've been looking—

**TAKE 9**

Jessica: Manti Carlo? That's our prom theme?

Eric: Drinks, Tuxedos, gambling...and Cullen, Edward Cullen.

**TAKE 10**

-In Parking Lot-

Bella: Wow...you know, everybody's staring.

Edward: Not that guy.....no he just looked.

*Guy trips and falls in front of Edward*

Guy: I'M NOT LOOKING! I CAN ASURE YOU I AM _NOT_ LOOKING!

**TAKE 11**

Edward: Oh...I'm braking all the rules anyways. Since I'm going to hell...

-Cullens glaring at Edward from car-

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

Alice: Love!

**TAKE 12**

Edward: It's like a vegetarian living on tofu....it keeps you strong, but never fully keeps you satisfied....It wouldn't be like drinking your blood for instance.

Bella: O.O

Edward: ...I mean....I didn't mean to say that! Wait, no! GAH! GO BACKWARDS!

**TAKE 13**

Jasper: It's a...pleasure to meet you Bella.

Bella: Thanks Jasper! You too—

Jasper: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *eats Bella*

**TAKE 14**

Director: Let's give a round of applause to Jasper for spitting Bella up!

*everyone claps while Jasper rubs his throat*

ACTION!

Edward: I want to take you to meet my family.

Bella: I don't know...I never really liked the Adams Family....wait, do you have that pet dragon?! HELL YEA!

**TAKE 15**

Edward: So you're afraid, not because you're going to meet a family of vampires, but that those vampires won't approve of you, correct?

Bella: Nope. I'm not scared at all. I just want to meet Emmett.

Edward: O.O

**TAKE 16**

-Edward suddenly freezes-

Bella: What is it?

Edward: it's a fucking werewolf!...GAHH! THESE THINGS KEEP STALKING ME!

**TAKE 17**

-Edward leaving Bella's house-

*Edward and Billy stare at each other in really really slow motion*

*Edward throws paper airplane in Billy's face*

Edward: HAHA! TAKE THAT OLD MAN!!

*Edward speeds away*

**FAVORITES?**


	5. Take 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.**

Chapter 5: Take 5....and....ACTION!

**TAKE 1**

-Cullen House-

Edward: Bella, this is my mother for all intensive purposes.

*Emmett waves butcher knife in background, knife slips from his hand and flies through the air, just missing Bella's head*

Bella: O.O

Edward: EMMETT! You weren't supposed to try and kill her until the SECOND date!

**TAKE 2**

*Rosalie breaks glass bowl*

Edward: OH SHIT....GODZILLA BROKE LOOSE....RUN BITCH RUN!

(btw.....until I was just now watching this, I have never looked at Edward's face when Rosalie breaks the bowl. LOOK AT HIS FACE AND EYES IT'S HILARIOUS!)

**TAKE 3**

Alice: Bella and I are going to be great friends!

Bella: Oh, right....you can see the future...

Alice: ....7 days.....

Edward: ALICE!!

**TAKE 8**

Director: OKAY! Let's try this again! Do you think you can handle it, Jasper?

Jasper: ....Yes....

Director: ACTION!

Jasper: It's a....pleasure to meet you.

Carlisle: Sorry....Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's a bit difficult for him.

Alice: It's okay, Jasper....you won't hurt he—

Jasper: *throws Alice out of the way* RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *eats Bella....AGAIN*

**TAKE 9**

Director: OKAY! Let's give Jasper ANOTHER round of applause for spitting up Bella...again.

*A couple people clap, Bella cowering in corner*

Director: Okay, so this next scene—

Jasper: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

*Jasper lunges at Bella, but Edward throws him into Piano*

Director: NO! Jasper! That's not until the NEXT movie!

**TAKE 10**

-In Edward's room-

Edward: Yea, this is my room....my mom made me clean it.

**TAKE 11**

Bella: No bed?

Edward: No, Bella....we do it on the floor.

**TAKE 12**

Bella: Wow, you have SO much music....what are you listening to...?

Edward: Its Debussy...I don't know....MY MOM PUT IT THERE!

**TAKE 13**

Bella: I can't dance.

Edward: I said DANCE BITCH DANCE!

**TAKE 14**

Director: Okay....let's try this again. ACTION!

Edward: Well....I could always make you....

Bella: I'm not scared of you.

Edward: Well, you shouldn't have said that....RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! You weren't supposed to REALLY eat her!

Edward: oh.

**TAKE 15**

Director: OKAY! Now...a round of applause for EDWARD spitting Bella back up.

*Jacob is the only person clapping*

Director: ACTION!

Edward: well, you really shouldn't have said that...

*Throws Bella on his back and jumps out the window and magically flies to tree*

Edward: You better hold on tight, spid—

*Edward misses tree and falls to the ground*

**TAKE 16**

Bella: This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exi—AHHHHHHH!

*Bella falls out of tree*

Edward: ..........can I go home now?

**TAKE 17**

-Bad guys in forest-

*Victoria running*

Victory: SHIT! I STEPPED IN DOG CRAP!

**TAKE 18**

-At Diner-

*Bella walks in*

Bella: Sorry I'm la—OMG! IS THAT STEPHENIE MEYER!?!?

**TAKE 19**

-At Diner-

*Mike dancing in background*

Charlie: Looks like your friends are flag—

*Mikes crashes through window*

**TAKE 20**

Bella: How did you get in here?

Edward: the window.

Bella: do you do that a lot?

Edward: I like watching you sleep...it's kind of fascinating to me...

Bella: FREAKING STALKER!!

**TAKE 21**

-At her house-

Bella: He's...right outside.

Charlie: Alright....*snaps gun shut*.....bring him in.

Bella: Can you be nice? I'm not supposed to almost get eaten until the SECOND movie....let's not make it sooner.

**TAKE 22**

Bella: Since when do vampires play baseball?

Edward: .....since we needed a way for you to get almost eaten.

**TAKE 23**

-Baseball Game about to start-

*Emmett is warming up by punching the air*

Emmett: WOO—

*Emmett accidentally hits himself in the face*

**TAKE 24**

*Cue lightning and thunder*

Alice: It's tim—

*Alice gets struck by lightning*

**TAKE 25**

*Rosalie hits baseball, sending it flying through the trees*

*Edward takes off after baseball*

Edward: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GO—

*Edward runs into a tree*

**TAKE 26**

*Edward throws ball to Esme, Esme catches and holds it at the base as Rosalie runs to the base*

Bella: You're out.

*Rosalie gets up in slow motion glaring at Bella*

Rosalie: .......7 days.....

**TAKE 27**

*Alice has vision*

Alice: STOP!

*Cullens form a line*

Alice: They're coming!

*Laurent, James, and Victoria walking into clearing in slow motion*

Victoria: haha—

*Victoria trips and falls on James slow motion*

James: WHAT THE HELL, BITCH!?! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CRAMP MY STYLE!!

**TAKE 28**

*Laurent holding baseball*

Laurent: I believe this belongs to you.

Carlisle: Nope. That isn't ours.

Laurent: ....yes, it is.

Carlisle: No it's not. You have no proof.

Laurent: This is your baseball!

Carlisle: We don't want it!

Laurent: TAKE IT! *tries to put it in Carlisle's hand*

Carlisle: WE DON'T WANT IT NOW THAT YOU TOUCHED IT!!

Laurent: *grabs Carlisle's hand* TAKE IT!!

Carlisle: HE'S TOUCHING ME! HE'S _TOUCHING_ MEEE!

**TAKE 29**

Laurent: I am Laurent. And this is Victoria...

Victoria: *nods her head* YO!

Laurent: ....and James.

James: *turns his head sideways like a crazy person* wussup.

**TAKE 30**

Laurent: Well, we won't be a problem anymore.

Victoria: The humans were tracking us....but we led them east.....suckers.

**TAKE 31**

Victoria: I'm the one with the wicked—

*Ball hits her in the face*

Victoria: OW! SON OF A BITCH!!

**TAKE 32**

Director: Okay! Let's try THIS scene again! Remember, Edward, so THIS time Bella doesn't get eaten....it's BELLA you want to protect, not the Pop-Tarts.....ACTION!

James: You brought a snack...

Edward: hiss!

Esme: hiss!

Carlisle: hiss!

Rosalie: hiss!

Jasper: hiss!

Alice: hiss!

Emmett: MEOW!

**TAKE 33**

-In Garage-

*Jasper glaring at Edward*

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

**TAKE 34**

-In Garage-

*Edward leaning on the car*

Edward: Bella, you are my life now.

*Cars start*

*Edward tries to pull away, but his shirt is caught*

Edward: uhhh...

*Alice starts driving car*

Edward: Alice! Wait!

*Car drives out of garage dragging Edward along*

Edward: ALICE! STOP THE CAR! ALICE!

Alice: MWUAHAHAHAHA! PAYBACK FOR NOT LETTING ME TALK TO BELLA SOONER! PAYBACK!!

**TAKE 35**

-On phone with Bella-

Edward: I'll do whatever it takes to make you safe again.

*Emmett in backseat*

Emmett: .....whipped.

**TAKE 36**

-Bella suffering from James' bite-

Edward: I'll make it go away, Bella. RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! THAT WAS NOT MAKING IT GO AWAY!

**TAKE 37**

-Bella and Edward enter prom-

Bella: Wow....you are REALLY trying to kill me...

Edward: yea, I've tried about 15 times already, but the director got mad, so, I figure dancing is the next best way.

**TAKE 38**

*Victoria watching Edward and Bella from building, then exits room and walks to the stairs*

Victoria: grrr—

*Victoria trips and falls down stairs*

Victoria: SHIT! NOW I KNOW WHAT JAMES WAS TALKING ABOUT!

-

Director: THAT'S A WRAP! Ok, so now—NO JASPER! THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN EAT BELLA!!

**THE END….if I get lots of reviews I might do New Moon!**


	6. TAKE 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Chapter 6: Take 6

PART 2: NEW MOON!....the book!....and the trailer!

Ok, so this isn't making fun of it. It's having fun WITH it!.....ok that sounded like a Sponge Bob moment...

OUT OF ORDER!

**TAKE 1**

-In Parking Lot at School-

Alice: Happy birthday, Bella! Do you want to open your present now, or later?

*Bella takes present and throws it in some random direction*

Bella: No presents.

*Alice runs and gets present*

Alice: Oh, you dropped it! Here you go!

*Bella takes present and throws it in another random direction*

Bella: What present?

*Alice runs and gets present*

Alice: this one! Here you go!

*Bella takes present and throws it in some random direction again*

Bella: No presents.

*Alice runs and gets present again*

Alice: HERE YOU GO!

*Alice shoves present in Bella's hands*

Bella: I DON'T WANT ANY DAMN PRESENTS!!

Alice: you...don't...want....presents?

Bella: No.

Alice: .....7 days.....

Edward: ALICE!!

**TAKE 2**

-At Bella's Birthday Party-

*Bella cuts her finger*

Bella: shoot....papercut.

Jasper: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Edward: oh, look! CAKE!

*Jasper eats Bella*

**TAKE 3**

Director: Okay...another round of applause for Jasper spitting Bella back up....again.

*crickets chirp...Bella cowering behind Alice*

Director: Let's try this again....remember Edward, keep Jasper from eating Bella! And...ACTION!

Bella: shoot....papercut.

Jasper: RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!!!!*jumps at Bella*

Edward: *shoves Jasper out of the way* I CALLED HER FIRST!!! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! THE POINT WAS TO KEEP BELLA ALIVE!

Edward: oh.

**TAKE 4**

-In Volterra, going down into hole-

Edward: It's alright, Bella. Alice will catch you.

*Bella falls, but Alice moves right before she catches Bella...Bella crashes into cement*

Bella: OW! WHAT THE HELL!

Alice: PAYBACK FOR NOT LETTING ME DRESS YOU UP! PAAAAYBACCCKKKK!

**TAKE 5**

-In Volterra Castle-

Aro: Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?

Caius: Damn....so we don't get to kill Edward?

**TAKE 6**

Aro: Jane, dear one, try your talent on Bella.

*Jane grins evilly*

Bella: OWWW! AHHHHH! THE PAAAAIIIN! MAKE IT STOP—

Jane: I haven't done anything yet.

Bella: oh.

**TAKE 7**

-At Bella's house, Jacob hanging from tree outside window at night-

Bella: No, Jake!

*Jacob swings off branch and towards the window*

Jacob: WOO—

*Jacob misses window and crashes into side of the house*

**TAKE 8**

Jacob: We're a pretty messed-up pair, aren't we? Neither of us can hold our shape together right.

Bella: *looks Jacob up and down* Nothing's wrong with me, but YOU'RE getting bigger...

**TAKE 9**

-Bella talking to Jacob for first time since Jacob changed-

Bella: Quil's worried about you. He's frightened that he's next.

Jacob: He can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still be happening. Why? Why?

*Jacob punches tree with his fist. Tree brakes and hits Bella in the head, causing her to pass out*

Jacob: oops. Um...uh...

*Jacob backs away slowly*

Jacob: I DIDN'T DO IT!

**TAKE 10**

-Bella approaching some weird guy-

Voice: leave.

Bella: is that you, Edward?

Voice: NO THIS IS THE OWNER OF K-MART! WE'RE CLOSING IN 5 MINUTES!

**TAKE 11**

Alec: *looking at Bella* So this is the source of all the comotion?

Felix: Dibs.

*Jasper appears out of thin air*

Jasper: I CALLED HER FIRST! *Jasper eats Demetri*

**Ok this is really hard to do with the book. So have patience with me, alright? PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!**


	7. Take 7

Chapter 7: Take 7

OKAY! BACK TO THE TWILIGHT MOVIE! Because there were more HAHAHA

**TAKE 1**

Edward: I'd rather hear your theories.

Bella: I've considered....meth?

Edward: No.

Bella: Narcotics?

Edward: No.

Bella: Marijuana?

Edward: I SAID NO, BITCH!

**TAKE 2**

-Edward and Bella driving home from Port Angeles-

*Sirens go off and red and blue lights flash from behind, Edward pulls over*

Edward: okay, Bella, just shut the fuck up.

*Police officer taps on his window, he rolls it down*

Edward: is there a problem, officer?

*Bella points to Edward*

Bella: HE'S GOT WEED! HE'S GOT WEED! OFFICER HE'S GOT WEEEEEEEDD!

**TAKE 3**

Jacob: You surfing?

Bella: Umm…yeah I'll try!

*Bella tries and falls off board into water*

Jacob: You think she'll come up?

Jessica: Let her drown.

*Bella never comes up*

Jacob: ....I think we should get her...

Jessica: No, or she'll get with Edward Cullen.

Jacob: ....let her drown.

**TAKE 4**

Wayland: Hello.

James: Nice jacket.

Wayland: OMG thanks I got it from Limited Too!

**TAKE 5**

Charlie:*gives Bella pepper spray* Please, it'll give your old man some piece of mind.

*Bella walks out of station*

Bella: ....I GOTTA CAN OF PEPPER-SPRAY! I GOTTA CAN OF PEPPER-SPRAY! AND GUESS WHAT'S INSIIIIIIIIIIDE IT!!

**TAKE 6**

Bella: I'm not afraid of you. I'm only afraid of losing you. I keep feeling like you're going to disappear.

Edward: That's probably because I keep trying to run away.

**TAKE 7**

Jules96: I'm watching this really cheesy movie! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OHMYGOD THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!!!! IT SUCKS!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!! MOG MOG MOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROTFLMFAO!!!!!! It's supposed to be all serious, but it's just really bad acting. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA LOLOLOLOLLOLOLOL

Me: ..................Oh, so you're watching Twilight?

**BACK TO NEW MOON:**

(Okay, this is the trailer, but you should know, when Bella is with Laurent, and then Jake transforms, it's not the same scene. When he transforms is when he's protecting her from Paul. Trust me. I know.)

**TAKE 8**

*Bella turns around and runs*

Bella: NO JAKE RUN!

*Jacob runs out of house and runs across field*

Jacob: RAAAWWRRRR—

*Runs into the bushes by accident*

**AN: okay, the last one wasn't as funny…but I had to post those others for Twilight! So more from New Moon will come soon. I'm still thinking…**


	8. I'm back

Hey Fanfiction…..I'm back. I know it's been a year since I've written but you wouldn't believe what I've been through. I'm going to start writing everything again…but first, I owe it to myself, and you guys to write this one story and finish it before I continue any of my other stories. If you have ever liked any of my stories, please I beg you show me the respect to read this story. It's about me and what I've been through. It would mean the world to me.

Please Don't Hurt Me by: Jennifer Lynn Henderson. "Jen"

I was gonna start this off "I never meant to fall in love", but really, the truth is I meant to, but never thought I actually would.

And no, I don't mean the middle school teeny bopper "OHHH I LOOOVEE YOUUU" boyfriend girlfriend love, I mean the serious commitment, the bond of being in love. Something none of the books, none of the movies or plays or shows or stories have ever done justice.

Fuck I've doused myself up with drugs, hurt myself over and over, physically abused myself and other people… I've tried everything I can to forget this love. This love is so strong it shakes me, it tortures me, it won't ever let me forget, no matter how hard I try or what I do. This is a type of love you won't find everywhere, something that will never leave you. It was the best thing of my life to feel it. Now it's become the worst thing I'm trying to forget. It haunts me. Because of this I will never be the same, never walk through the world with the same head on my shoulders, I will never have hope of finding another.

This is my fucking story…what I've been through this past year, and what I'm trying to face to this day. It may not end well.


End file.
